Wednesday, February 22, 2017

february, so far

Ice days, snow days, ski days, sick days, sledding. Road races, business trips, working weekends and evenings. How lucky we are to be mostly healthy, and to have support when we need it. Our days are full, but not too full to be able to turn around to look at the porcupine in the roadside tree, or to watch the owl for a while. We need to make sure we're never too busy for moments like those.

a week in late jan

The days are full, bedtime comes early, and the alarm clock to get me up to run in the dark cold comes even earlier. There isn't time to write. There's barely time to figure out what to eat.

I love looking back over posts from the past and connecting to those moments. I'll try to make regular visits here to post photos of moments, and add a few words on the occasions when inspiration and wakefulness dance together long enough for me to be able to do so.


Friday, January 6, 2017

early january

Sometimes I look at not-so-old pics and I feel engulfed by the certainty that the little boy days are behind us. It swallows me up and I can get lost in missing my little babies.


I don't just look at old pics, though. Oh no, that's not all I do.

Ice bashing 2017 from Sonja Lukassen on Vimeo.

Sometimes I get swallowed by up by the sadness of missing my little babies. Lots of the time though, in between stretches of breaking up fights, making meals, losing my shit, and deep discussions about Star Wars, Harry Potter and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I notice the magic and beauty that still surrounds me. Often dirty, always noisy, definitely beautiful.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

things changing, and staying the same

I'm back. I'm not sure how much I'll write, or how often, or how deep and meaningful I'll try to be, but I'm back. The boys are growing so quickly. The days and years are flying by. 

I'm grateful that I made time to photograph and write about my days with the dudes when they were babes. I look back and smile and cry, and I return immediately to the specific moments.

I'm busy in other ways now. I've been swept along by active, physical, busy times. My days used to be full of forest wandering, nap time, meal planning and trying to stay awake while reading stories. Now my work is wandering in the forest with other people's children, and the dudes are so independent that I sometimes need to insert myself into whatever they're doing. Gone are the days of being needed so deeply and completely.

Oh I know they still need me. And independence is a good thing. I know. It's comforting to have the record of our early years because they have passed so quickly. I've realized that I'm wanting to have a record of these years too. Like I said, they're flying by. I need to keep track.

They spend their time in such different ways now, but also so similarly, and always true to their own natures. I am grateful and inspired.

Happy New Year boys. Thanks for 2016. I'm looking forward to what's to come.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

moving on

I started blogging when the dudes were just about this size:

Chris was away a lot, my whole life was caring for the dudes, and I needed an outlet: to share some of the beauty of my day-to-day, and to remind myself of the beauty because I was so often feeling caught up in the difficult and tiring and seemingly never-ending of it all. I blogged to stay connected and to feel connected as well as for my own sanity.

Now it is suddenly more than eleven years since our first dude was born and almost 6 years since my first post. These 3 little boys:

... have grown into these:

... and these: 

Absolutely everything has changed. 

Where we live, what work and home look like, the land and people and creatures around us- these have changed along with the shoe size, vocabulary and ability to push my buttons of the boys.

It's still my job to notice what interest-waves the boys are riding and to try to feed them. It used to be about walking gently along together, strewing support and provocation here and there. Now I need to run and jump alongside and I'm lucky if I can keep up. Growing is happening in every possible way.

I've spent the last year or so resisting the reality of the ever-passing days. I've cried and kicked and screamed, I've tried to bury my head in the sand, I've spend many an hour tearily looking through photos.

Time is ticking. I'm trying to break the habit of the looking back. Look at those boys up there. No matter how much I dream of being able to slow time I just can't do it. I love who and how they are and need to be present for what is happening now, awesomeness and frustrations and sweet smiles and everything else.

They are always ready to step into what's next. I plan to be with them along the way- at least for as long as they'll let me (which I think will be for quite a while yet, I hope.)

This blog has been about my little boys. They're not so little anymore. I still feel like writing, and blogging here has been helpful to me in so many ways, but I feel a shift coming in the way that I write. It's time to set this blog aside.

I love this format so I expect there will be more to come. I know I'll have photos to share and there's no doubt that I'll need to do some processing as these sweet little monsters grow into ever-challenging and creative creatures.

Sigh. I'd better get busy figuring out what's next. I think I'm going to need it!